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Your Darkshines....
....bringing me down
Hello and welcome to the side of me that mopes about and doesn't do anything productive in public.
The thoughts and worries of my mind spilled out across the pages in careless and pretentious detail. Here's an honest 21 year old human - tinged with pessimism, paranoia, lack of confidence, and occasional outbursts of obsessionism.
27th-Jul-2008 02:08 pm - Tattoo
Lost Cedric...

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. Something that symbolises that life is always changing, that you change as a person throughout your life - new places, new homes, new people, new experiences. That kind of thing is important me because of how many times I've had to start a 'new life' over and over again, despite being only 18. I've moved nine times, lived in five different countries, had countless people in and out of my life, each one marking a change in me. I want something that represents the past, present and future connected together, because that's what makes me the person I am, was, and will be. Even if I do somehow stabilise and 'settle down' in the future, this mark will still represent a major part of my thinking that got me to becoming that person.

24th-Jul-2008 04:49 pm - Things I Hate...
A list of personal little niggles I have with the world.

I hate:

- the state of the music industry... music shouldn't be so much about contracts, money and restrictions on creativity

- r'n'b, hip-hop and rap music videos with half-naked beautiful women lounging around like whores around piss-ugly egotistical fuckwits who wear oversized baggy clothes and sunglasses and BLING

- oversized clothes. MEN IN TIGHT JEANS FTW!

18th-Jul-2008 09:42 pm - Social networking sites = envy
Destroy Demonocracy

So. I'm on MySpace. And Facebook (and previously Bebo before I deleted my account).

Why? I don't have a social network in my life to display in an online format. I use Myspace to find new music, and to look up the profiles of people I meet in real life. And I use Facebook to play the awesome Texas Hold'em Poker application, and to look up photos of people I know or knew.

I'm slightly addicted to photos. But they make me so jealous. Photos of people I know / old friends turning 18, going to parties, clubbing, hanging out with mates, boyfriends/girlfriends, travelling... and yet mine's pretty much empty. I get so envious of people properly living out their lives to the full, having as much fun as they can. I want that so badly.

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13th-Jul-2008 09:22 pm - Purpose in life
"People have a lot of time on their hands, and people are very bored, and people don't have their own projects. People don't have their own lives sorted out - the younger people anyways. They spend a lot of time doing a lot of bullshit. And so when you lead a life of bullshit, the only thing left to do really is to look to others and to start writing and talking about what they do... So the people sitting there, bored, and just on their computers with absolutely nothing to do, and aren't doing anything pro-active in society, they can only talk and write about what others do."

- Omar Rodriguez-Lopez 
(YouTube link)

6th-Jul-2008 10:19 pm - Still Going...
blackwhite TMV

...with decluttering. I reckon I'll be done in a day or two. Got through my art box, and now it's all neat, tidy and organised. Went through my Special Life-Things Box too...ugh, it's still pretty much full, even though I threw a whole load of it away. But there's so many mentally difficult things to discard... christmas cards from aging grandparents, 'milestone' birthday cards - 13 (teenager), 16 (um...legal for sex and cigarettes?), 18 (pretty much everything)... Obviously 18's the most important, but those past few years were...heavy. I've gone through so many ups and downs and twists mentally. I'm such a different person now. Cards from my mum saying how proud she was of me, wishing me the best of luck for the future...at a time where I hated myself so much, and could hardly bear to step outside because of how ugly I felt. This was about age 14 - 16. Of course, I'm still very unhappy with how I look, but it's more of a dull presence now, compared to the hateful intensity it was at that age. I don't know how this works out, but I need to keep those cards because of that.

6th-Jul-2008 12:07 am - Feeling Good =)
Lost Cedric...

Today's been a pretty good day!

Just got back from seeing Lenny Henry at the State Theatre in Sydney. My throat's sore from laughing so much! The first half was really good, but the second half...hmm. About 90% of the show was sex jokes. I'm not prude or anything, but it got a bit old after an hour. Not to mention how fucking awkward talking about vibrators, oral sex and masturbation was whilst sitting next to my parents. Eek. Nonetheless, the show was good. The theatre is absolutely stunning - very beautiful, West End style building, and is incredibly grand and ornamental inside. We had some drinks before we went in, and I accidentally ordered rum and coke (I asked for a Bacardi, thinking it would be the pre-mixed bottle with lemonade...alas, it was pure Bacardi rum with coke in a glass) - the one drink I swore never, ever to consume in my life again after I had it on my 18th. It was such a struggle to finish, but then, randomly, MUSE's Plug In Baby came on the soundsystem and I got so excited that I started drinking too quickly and couldn't really taste how godawful it was anymore =P

4th-Jul-2008 09:55 pm - Attachment to MUSIC
blackwhite TMV
I've been meaning to do this post for a while, but never got round to it. Below is what is originally an email to someone who feels the same NEED for music, and I really wanted to tell her about what I'd read in Philosophy at uni. 
4th-Jul-2008 03:06 pm - De-Cluttering
Cedric Omar wall

During the past two days I've been in another of those 'I need to get rid of everything I don't live off RIGHT NOW' moods. I have far too many useless possessions that I've horded over the years. I hate the consequences of collecting things...while I do it, I enjoy it. But once the moment's passed, all I've got is a pile of unnecessary rubbish. I had an obsession with those TY Beanie Babies from when I was 9 - 14. I ended up having over 40 of the little critters, which only sat around my room to be looked at. I've slowly been discarding them over the years - mostly given to my little sister. Yeah, they look cute and pretty, but I just. Do. Not. Need. Them. And it's like that with so many of the things I own. I bought it because it looks nice. I don't do that anymore, but I've had about 10 years of that crap to disintegrate and erase from my life lately. Window sill ornaments, stuffed toys, cheap jewellery (MASSES of it), some clothes. I used to be the type of person who really hesitated to throw away a slightly-nice pen after it had run out of ink.


26th-Jun-2008 06:36 pm - The Bedlam In Goliath
Lost Cedric...
My god, I am absolutely overblown by The Mars Volta. Shit, they're brilliant. I can just about fathom their awesomeness without my head exploding (I'm NOT being sarcastic here). I wish I'd been this excited BEFORE the gig last Thursday... I've had their De-Loused In The Comatorium album for about a year, and although I REALLY liked it, I don't know why it didn't start that 'fire' in me. I suppose it's difficult music to take in all at once, because it's unlike anything else. I think I like them more than Muse...and for anyone who knows me, that's fucking INTENSE. 

20th-Jun-2008 09:22 pm - The Mars Volta
Cedric Omar wall
Thought I'd better write this now before sleep and exhaustion knock me out within the next hour or two. The past 48 hours have been very, very long. I finally saw The Mars Volta at the Hordern Pavilion last night, hurrah!

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