Things have been a bit up and down lately. So what does that mean? Another LJ post, of course!
I don't think I've mentioned it in my LJ yet, but for the past month or so I've been kind of hanging around with a girl, M, at uni, coz we do the same subjects and also have a tutorial together. I tried not to do the whole worrying thing this time around, and just took things as time went on, not ruminating about anything that happened. I only ever thought about her at uni, not about whether she wanted to be friends with me or not etc etc when I was sitting around at home pulling myself to pieces like I've done with every other person I've briefly 'befriended' this year. So things were easy, light. We swapped mix cds because she was saying how she wanted to get into some new music, and so was I, so hey let's introduce each other to bands we like etc. So that was nice. We sat together in most lectures, and conversation was actually pretty easy. I didn't put as much pressure on myself to sound interesting or anything like that, which was good.
But on Monday, I'd sat down first somewhere on my own, and then spotted her on the other side so I got up to go to her, but she was sitting in between a bunch of her own friends, and I sat down at the end of a row of people I didn't know and were clearly wandering who the fuck I was. But no-one said anything. God it was awkward. Then M got up from her seat and came to the end of the row to sit next to me, because she was the only person that I knew from the whole group. I felt so bad for taking her away from her friends and barging in like that, and I said so, but she told me that she wasn't talking with them that much anyway. Still, I felt guilty for making her feel obliged to move and keep me company. So after that I didn't look for her again, or if I did see her, I wouldn't go to her. I did this for about two days, which doesn't sound long, but we'd usually see each other every day in these lectures, so it was definitely noticeable.
She found me before our tutorial on Wednesday and asked how I was, normal chatting etc. So I take it she does
want to carry on knowing me? She had the option of shaking me off if she wanted to, seeing as how I'd cut myself out for a few days. I don't know. I still think I'm being too clingy. I don't have a single other person to hang out with at uni, so it's difficult NOT to be clingy when you only have one sort-of friend there.
And I have another friend-problem too. I've been invited out tonight to C's birthday drinks...S and V were my two best friends at high school, and now they both go to the local uni and I go to Sydney. We were always a trio. Now they've found C to fill my space. I don't have anything against C, but I am jealous that I'm losing S and V now that I barely see them for months at a time. And they like her more than me, and tell her more, keep her up to date etc. So for her birthday, she's obviously invited S and V, and Ca (who she's only met twice I think, yet now they get along like best friends. And we've only met twice, yet she doesn't seem to like talking to me). I get the impression that she's only invited me because she has
to - because I'd be the only one missing from the 'old' group that S, V and Ca were a part of if I wasn't invited. I'm really going to feel like a third (or fourth??) wheel tonight. Miraculously enough, I don't actually feel like drinking. I'm too depressed this week to drink, which isn't a good mix because if I do drink tonight, it'll only be to 'drown my sorrows', so to speak.
On an entirely different note, I've been vegetarian for almost a week now =) Started last Saturday 30th August. The last meat I ate was last Friday...honey mustard chicken from work, yum. I don't crave meat or steak or anything, but I miss chicken a little bit. Mum made roast chicken on Sunday, and it smelt mighty good. As did goulash yesterday, but I passed them up. I can live without it. WIth most meat dishes, it's the SAUCE I love - bolognaise, curry etc. And mum uses tofu a lot of the time anyway, which can be used to fill-up my meatless meals a bit more.
I still haven't really made a decision over whether to go vegan or not. I'm kind of substituting here and there, but not consistently. I'm still eating cheese and cheese spread, chocolate, biscuits and homemade cake, normal bread (which might contain egg or milk, I think?). But I'm using soy milk for my cereal in the mornings, and asking for hot chocolate made with soy milk at uni. I like the idea of going entirely vegan, but it'd be too difficult to fit in with the food my mum makes. But then again, I doubt there are that many dinners we have that contain milk or egg... Maybe I will try going vegan one day? I'll keep going vegetarian, some dairy included, and in a month or so I'll think properly about going vegan.
I have a 2000-word Philosophy essay due on Tuesday, and I haven't started it yet. I don't think it'll be overly-difficult though. The topic is pretty thorough and organised to work through.
Hmm what else. My Frances The Mute CD finally arrived today! I COUGHdownloadedthealbumCOUGH ages ago, so I know all the songs. But I love having my favourite albums in physical form, and I couldn't find it anywhere in the shops for under $30 around here, so I just snapped it off eBay for less than half of that. While I'm on the topic of FTM, Cassandra Gemini is the greatest thing to have ever existed. My god, it's just EPIC. It takes you out of this world.
Still haven't booked my tattoo yet. I'll wait until I get my essays out of the way and have a free afternoon.